He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
