Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
