he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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