The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
