Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
