I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
