o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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