i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
