i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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