we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize