I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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