bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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