I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
