Just cropdusted the office
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
