You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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