OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
