He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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