I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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