she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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