two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
