wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
