I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
