onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
