The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
