her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
