I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
