Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
