Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
