maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
