The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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