I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize