i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
