i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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