Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's blow job season.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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