she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
