No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I AM VODKA MAN
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
