Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
