i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
