Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
