I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
