just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
