I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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