it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
