Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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