between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize