if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
