It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
