im six kinds of drunk right now
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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