do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
