I'm so fucking centered right now
oh god the rape fog is back!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
