genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize