so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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