Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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