Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
