I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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