Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
