i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's shark week go big or go home
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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